When I turned 5, I had a Barney themed birthday party. I loved Barney. He taught me that "Please" and "Thank you" are ALWAYS the magic words and that all you need is your imagination and a bottomless bag of craft supplies.
At my Barney Bash, I had a cake and decorations festooned with the friendly purple dinosaur, and of course, a birthday outfit complete with Barney bow, Barney shirt, and Barney spandex shorts (It was '93).
Anyways, the party was a success and I was certain of the exact outfit I would be wearing as I stepped through the door of Kindergarten in only a few short months. September rolled around and the day had come! I was going to be a real live kindergarten student! I adorned myself in all my Barney glory and set out to conquer Bess Race Elementary. Now, I don't always recall memories from such a young age, but this one feels clear as day. I walked into Mrs. Lackey's Kindergarten class and a boy, I had yet to meet, said, "You like Barney? Barney is for babies!".
In a moment, my world crumbled. Something I had held in such esteem, something I had taken so much pride in, was for babies?
This is the first time I can ever recall allowing the words of another affect me to my core. From that day forward, I was a closet Barney fan.
I'd like to say that in the 20 years since that first day of school, I have grown into an evolved individual whose since of security and esteem are not impacted in the least by the thoughts, opinions, words or looks of others. I'd love to say that. I'd also love to say that I am a size 2 with a 6 pack, but somethings just aren't true.
I, along with the rest of humanity, have insecurities ranging from the tone of my laugh to my ability to be a good wife.
Recently, I have noticed a spike in my issues. I have found myself overwhelmed with jealousy and self contempt and I have found myself feeling this towards the lives of my sweet friends and acquaintances as portrayed on social media.
At the stop light, waiting in line, and before I go to bed, I find myself peering into others' lives with the flick of my finger as it glides across the touch screen. Scrolling across my screen are beautiful dinners, gorgeous children, love notes left by adoring husbands, and even the occasional ab shot to show the successful product a new workout routine. As I "like" pictures and leave a random comment, my insides tighten with jealousy and questions that feed a lie.
Why doesn't my husband write me notes everyday or post pictures commenting on my beauty? Am I not as beautiful as she?
Why can't I lose weight or get a body worth showing off? Maybe that would help?
When I have kids, will they be as beautiful as theirs? Will I be as good of mother?
Why can't I seem to find the time to make a meal like that? I'm obviously lacking in my #wifeskills.
Why? Why? Why? I wish. I wish. I wish.
All questions fed to me by the Liar. He feeds the fuel of my jealous insecurities for his name's sake. He is the Liar of all liars. He seeks to steal. He seeks to steal. He ultimately seeks destruction and I allow him.
Every time I log in or click on the app icon, I allow him to whisper in my ear.
As always, he takes something so wonderful and turns it into a lie.
I wish that I could neatly package this post into an applicable statement of growth and maturity, alas I cannot.
This is wear I am, not yet evolved from the 5 year girl crying in her Barney bow and spandex shorts.
It's a daily battle and sometimes I enter in without my sword or even my armor. I go back and forth between ridding myself of all connections concerning social media or learning how to balance it all.
Though I suppose, the answer lies within my own heart and where my securities are found.
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