My role to rescue the perishing

As a Missional Liver…

Yes, my next role is as a liver…

I stood on the porch of a small Mexican border town church. The name completely escapes me. There was a crisp March morning breeze carrying a faint smell of things cooking on wood burning fires and the murmur of a world waking up.  

I was 15 years old and I was confident that there was no other place in the world that I was supposed to be at that moment.

The whirlwind of Gospel-Driven-Wander-Lust that yielded many international adventures began to stir inside my soul.  

I could bend your ear for hours and days with stories of travel. Nothing was more heart aching upon returning than the nonchalant "how was your trip”for I longed desperately to recount every moment with as much accuracy as possible. I have journals and blogs detailing memories I hope never to forget including miraculous rainfall, proposals, and squatty potties. I have photo albums and keepsake boxes.  I hold in my heart triumphs, failures, miracles, and divine provision. I hold these experiences in my heart for they took me out of my "world" and into the world in view of the kingdom. 

When I received my first passport, I remember thinking two things: 

“Boy, I’m so glad I got my braces off”

and

“Expires 2015?… Ha, that is forever away!"

I sent my passport off this year for renewal because 2015 has indeed arrived and I also legally cannot leave as a Wynne any longer. 

As I mailed my passport off with the goofy picture of a wide-eyed 16 year old, I nostalgically touched every visa and stamp, each a milestone, a trophy, a symbol of a life forever changed. 

My passport and the slight possibility of danger began to be the standard by which I measured missions.  Somewhere along the way I lost the urgency that is this singular mission to rescue the perishing. 

As I grew in age and "wisdom," I began to realize the wholeness of the great commission. 

"As you go, make disciples... everywhere" (paraphrasing and emphasis mine). 

My eyes gradually widened to the necessity of Gospel-centered mission daily in my very home.  The draw of international travel became less of a standard of legitimacy and more of a supplement to the many facets of missional living.  

In this transition, the mission became much more challenging and, let's be honest, much more uncomfortable. 

It is the most unnatural thing for me to share the Gospel. 

*gasps*

*disapproving head shakes*

I know... I know... But so much of it has to do with the desire to please others and to be viewed as "cool". 

My head knows that following Christ has never and will never be "cool," but my flesh keeps holding out hope.  I don't want to "offend" or make anyone feel uncomfortable, but the real issue is that I don't want to feel uncomfortable and I don't want anyone to view me as offense.  Sharing an absolute with someone often portrays an air of arrogance and intolerance.  Here’s the facts though. If I truly believe what I say I believe, then it would be more horrific for me NOT to share my beliefs! 

At some point, every believer must ask and answer the following question:

Is the glory of God and the salvation of souls worth more than… me?

When I say it and especially as I type it, I am disgusted and humbled. 

The answer that rushes to the surface is a resounding, “OF COURSE IT IS,” but upon review of my life, there is no evidence of this statement as truth. 

My fourth role is as…

One who lives the mission. 

This is a role that makes my stomach churn with elated terror (oxymoron?).

So far, this has involved acting upon the promptings of the Spirit even at the cost of my comfort, my time, my money, and my selfishness. 

This involves viewing the world through the lens of eternity and not staking investment where the dust and moths cling and destroy. 

This means preaching the Gospel to myself everyday, so I remember the weight of this great exchange. 

This involves a love for people that does not come from within my flesh, but from the Holy Spirit who resides within me. 

This is not of me. 

I have not chosen this role as a new undertaking.  I have been commanded into this role and I am trying to rise to the occasion. 

As I go, I will make disciples…

Just like Paul Newman says...

Quality over quantity is my current stance, but as a young teenager it was the reverse.  This is the typical teen girl perspective on friendship though and I was every bit a typical teen girl. I desperately hoped for someone, anyone, besides my mom and dad, to validate my existence. To the torture of my parents, this often meant witnessing me as a doormat for the use of other typical teen girls or joining venomous forces with said girls to wipe our feet on the doormat of the day. 

My poor saint of a youth minister suffered through 3 grueling years of vicious high school girl drama before we finally began to even attempt to look outside of our-small-selves. 

Matriculation (any excuse to use that word) gave way to college where the quantity to quality ratio took a shift. College was the birthplace of a handful of relationships rooted and grounded in Christ and nourished by raw, uninhibited authenticity.  I have been lavished in the riches of God's grace when it comes to friendship.  I know that it is a lavishing of GRACE because it is all entirely undeserved.  I left Belton, TX with real life soul connections and returned home to find truth in Mr. Wolfe's claim of the inability to go home again. Home was a different place, I was a different being, and my soul connections were scattered about the world. Alas, God, being rich in grace and mercy, delivered me once and has continued to deliver me still into the hands of women wiser than I who have warmed my heart with the flame of their passions and character. 

All of this to say, my third role of focus is as a friend.
The role of friend comes with some weight to it, especially from a woman's heart. There are expectations, spoken and unspoken, and a failure to uphold these can end in the worst of ways. 

A mentor of mine and fountain of prudence once told me that there are two kinds of presences in our lives, life-giving and life-sucking. 

Clearly, we all long to be the giving, but are or have been someone's sucker at some point. 

As I focus on this role, I want to adjust my actions, responses, and initiatives to give life, the kind of life that matters.  I want to be an outlet for release, but also a pillar of integrity.  I want to be a steel trap of information and an open book.  I want to think before I open my mouth, then shut it so the Holy Spirit can speak. I want to be a standard of character and not an abyss of slander.
Practically, this looks like acting on promptings of the Holy Spirit as he leads.
It looks like asking and actively listening to the response.
It looks like following through with good intentions of prayer and service.
It looks like knowing when "sharing" goes too far.... and I'm a very big "sharer".
This also means, as many of my roles require, to simply show up.
Each friendship is unique to the participants and I have been privileged to engage with some unique participants. 

There are so many life-giving presences in my life and I am honored to seek this role in the life of at least one other.
In conclusion... Come and play everything's A-OK. I'll be there for you when the rain starts to fall and your love life's DOA (clap clap clap clap clap).  It will be like someplace where everybody knows your name. I can't do this all on my own 'cause I'm no superman. It's good to know I've got friends who will always stand by me when it's... SISTER, SISTER!
So, won't you be my... won't you be my... won't you be my neighbor?
'Cause you've got a friend in me. 

For the light exposes...

Ask any student or teenage girl who has sat under me or even my husband and they will all tell you the same thing... Mercy is not my most forthcoming of qualities. Honest comes in moments of abundance, but not always seasoned with salt. 

In my deprave brain, mercy and grace are reserved for people I deem worthy. 

Praise be to God that he does not deal with humanity as harshly as I. 

This is my sin. 

I judge. I critique. I criticize. I belittle. My tongue and thoughts drip with the venom of my prideful heart. My ways are better than your ways

...and my opinions 

...and my thoughts 

...and my ideals 

...and my existence. 

My mind has been a toxic place. From within the depths of my depravity, I have convinced myself that I can somehow will and whine my way into a reality.  If things aren't going the "right" way or someone isn't behaving preferably, then complaining enough will surely justify and effectively change my dissatisfaction and annoyance, right? If I can recruit enough people to my way of thinking then I'll see results. 

And this is the rationale in which I have been operating. 

I need the antidote of the cross. I need for the severity of Good Friday and the majesty of Easter to penetrate the cold casing of my wretched heart. 

I need to believe that others are more significant than myself... ALL people, not just my short list of elect. I need to feel the power of the resurrection everyday, for the tomb is still empty everyday. 

Jesus is not a groundhog who pops out of the tomb once a year for us to gawk at and then prepare another year for his anticipated resurgence. He is the risen king. Death is defeated and as a result, those who believe walk in freedom, yet I choose the shame and bondage of my former life. I am a free man clinging to the shattered shackles that once enslaved me. Foolishness. 

I sincerely hope the three or four of you who have kept reading to this point see the soreness of my heart. I grieve over this sin, as the Holy Spirit grieves within me. I do not wear it as a crown or badge of honor.  

This is my shame. 

When I dig to the core, I see the roots of bitterness and jealousy nourishing these buds of sin. It's pride masking the self pity and loathing within.  

I hate what I am not because I hate what I am because I am not who I was made to be.  

I am envious of what I do not have and frivolous with what I have in great quantity. 

I felt that I could not continue my journey of INTRODUCING MY FIVE ROLES until I unburdened my heart of this sin. 

I am in the midst of it. 

It is surrounding me like the unknown depths of the ocean. 

This is where I am. 

I suppose this to be my 6th role... I am a sinner.

As a Sister..

I'm the "middle" one. 

As a younger child, I didn't think twice about telling friends, teachers, or anyone else that I had two older sisters who were the same age... "No they're not twins... They're a month apart." 

I'm sure there were countless head shakes and thoughts of "poor girl, she doesn't understand how this works". 

And there's one boy... Only boy AND the baby... Spoiled rotten. 

At one point or another, each one of my sibs has been my hero. 

I covet J’s gentle and sincere spirit.

I admire L’s passion and devotion. 

I value T’s conversation and gift of quality time. 

Growing up and even into adulthood, I loved showing off the unique blend of souls that comprises my family.  We love each other and we love each other hard. 

Years of bonding with pizza every Friday on top of a balloon blanket will do that. We are hard on each other and pounce on any sign of weakness. We mock and tease. We gang up. We laugh often and loudly. We fight for one another and intercede when one of us can’t.

When tragedy strikes, we reunite on top of the balloon blanket and heal.

When life births joys, we erupt in laughter and cheer. 

We remember well and recognize the gift of the home we shared and the parents who reared us in truth and unconditional love. 

I am a sister to three of the greatest human beings that my God has created. 

This is my role:

I want to be a valuable presence. 

It is somewhat simple at times to just be present, but it takes active pursuit of being a valuable one. 

I want to encourage them. I want to be a source of life and love.  I want to pour into them spiritually, emotionally, and physically. I want to help raise their children and bear their burdens. I want to carry them to the foot of the cross when they cannot carry themselves.
I want to show up when it matters and even when it doesn't.  I have lacked in this role.  It's such a significant position and I have taken it for granted through my absence of presence. 

There is no greater and harder ministry, than that of family and I am so fortunate to serve these three. 

And now there are even more to our little clan. 

I have more brothers, a sweet new sister and now precious nephews. 

I am sure that it will continue to grow and we will love every moment, but in this one, I hope to be a constant, a presence of value.