For the light exposes...

Ask any student or teenage girl who has sat under me or even my husband and they will all tell you the same thing... Mercy is not my most forthcoming of qualities. Honest comes in moments of abundance, but not always seasoned with salt. 

In my deprave brain, mercy and grace are reserved for people I deem worthy. 

Praise be to God that he does not deal with humanity as harshly as I. 

This is my sin. 

I judge. I critique. I criticize. I belittle. My tongue and thoughts drip with the venom of my prideful heart. My ways are better than your ways

...and my opinions 

...and my thoughts 

...and my ideals 

...and my existence. 

My mind has been a toxic place. From within the depths of my depravity, I have convinced myself that I can somehow will and whine my way into a reality.  If things aren't going the "right" way or someone isn't behaving preferably, then complaining enough will surely justify and effectively change my dissatisfaction and annoyance, right? If I can recruit enough people to my way of thinking then I'll see results. 

And this is the rationale in which I have been operating. 

I need the antidote of the cross. I need for the severity of Good Friday and the majesty of Easter to penetrate the cold casing of my wretched heart. 

I need to believe that others are more significant than myself... ALL people, not just my short list of elect. I need to feel the power of the resurrection everyday, for the tomb is still empty everyday. 

Jesus is not a groundhog who pops out of the tomb once a year for us to gawk at and then prepare another year for his anticipated resurgence. He is the risen king. Death is defeated and as a result, those who believe walk in freedom, yet I choose the shame and bondage of my former life. I am a free man clinging to the shattered shackles that once enslaved me. Foolishness. 

I sincerely hope the three or four of you who have kept reading to this point see the soreness of my heart. I grieve over this sin, as the Holy Spirit grieves within me. I do not wear it as a crown or badge of honor.  

This is my shame. 

When I dig to the core, I see the roots of bitterness and jealousy nourishing these buds of sin. It's pride masking the self pity and loathing within.  

I hate what I am not because I hate what I am because I am not who I was made to be.  

I am envious of what I do not have and frivolous with what I have in great quantity. 

I felt that I could not continue my journey of INTRODUCING MY FIVE ROLES until I unburdened my heart of this sin. 

I am in the midst of it. 

It is surrounding me like the unknown depths of the ocean. 

This is where I am. 

I suppose this to be my 6th role... I am a sinner.