One Word

As a teacher, I view my years in terms of semesters and not actual calendar years.
That being said, it is a brand new year! I have always said, and blogged at times, that I love the beginning of the school year because it always seems so hopeful.
Maybe my students are geniuses!
Maybe this will be the year that my alarm clock sparks excitement and not dread!
Maybe this year I will save money AND pay off bills!
Maybe this year I will figure it all out!
I know what you are thinking, I put too much stake in the start of school year.
Well, that maybe true, but we all have our own vices.
This year, I am at a new school, in a new district, and teaching a new grade...er, grades.
And I am hopeful. 
During our orientation, my new principal gave us a challenge to select one word to drive us for the year.
Still in the mindset of hope and new years, I gave a lot of thought to the word I would choose.
Grace. My word is grace. Many people initially conclude that I must deny myself grace and so I am learning to accept grace into my life. This is not exactly the case. I am a withholder of grace that is not mind to withhold. At times this is towards myself, but unfortunately, the majority of the times I withhold grace from others. In my mind, I decide who I think is deserving of grace and mercy and distribute accordingly.  He deserves grace for making a mistake, but she knows better. She deserves grace because her sin is similar to mine, but he disgusts me.
I do this in the wickedness of my mind. I withhold grace, as if I was capable to bestow it. I withhold grace as if my opinion matters. I withhold grace as if I am blamelessly pure. I withhold grace.
And what's worse, in the comfort of my marriage, my sweet husband sees this repulsive side of me too often. He gently challenges me to look in the mirror. At times, I'm not even sure he realizes he is doing it. Marriage is humbling experience.
Ephesians tells me who I was and who, by the grace of God, I have been reconciled to be. I was dead. I was a follower of darkness and evil. I was an object of God's wrath.
BUT God, being rich in mercy... BUT God, being abounding in grace... BUT God, being love, has made me alive. He has made me new. He has lavished me in the riches of his grace. He has seated me in the heavenly places. He has made me a citizen with the saints. He has chosen me. He has adopted me into his family. He has saved my soul. 
This is the grace that I cling to. This is the grace that I withhold to others in my mind. This grace that takes a wicked heart, like mine, and makes it pure. He doesn't cover my sin, he removes it as if it were never there. I run from him, he chases me. I chose sin, his grace abounds. I am the biggest beneficiary of his grace, so my goal this year is to bear it well. My goal is to realize that I am not the giver or withholder of grace. My goal is to strive to live as though I am deserving of grace. My goal is to give grace upon grace to all because that is what has been given to me.
My word is Grace.