I need my bucket filled. Why is it that in a position
centered on people, one feels so lonely? My heart has ached for genuine
fellowship and has been blessed with beautiful gifts of friendships. My heart
has ached for the love and companionship of a man, and has been blessed with
the great gift and responsibility of marriage. I serve over 700 children on a weekly basis. I teach toddlers and young adults and I
serve on committees but I… AM … LONELY.
I need my bucket filled. I have never felt more detached. I
have never felt as left out or unwanted. I feel overwhelmed. I feel overused. I
feel empty, but I’m continually being asked to give. I HAVE NOTHING LEFT TO
GIVE! I need my bucket filled. There are days when I would kill to have B work
from 8-5 and come home to me the same time day in and day out. We could serve
together. We could go to sleep together. We could schedule normal things like
normal people. We wouldn’t have to scrap the bottom of the barrel to find a
time to be together alone. I know this would only cause him to be miserable,
which I would hate, most of all.
I am worried. I worry all of the time and I need my bucket
filled. What will we do when
we have kids? How will I be able
to let someone else raise my children all day? How will my heart not break into
a million pieces as I leave them in the care of another? How will I compare as a mother? How
will we balance ministry and parenthood… and marriage?
I feel all of this and immediately recognize the selfishness
of it all. I immediately see the ridiculousness of it all. Then the guilt sets
in. It overwhelms and consumes me, so that I cannot work out my thoughts to
resolve any of it. Who am I to demand or desire such attention? There is work
to be done, kingdom work, things that are eternal and much bigger than me, but I need my bucket filled.
Then, I bottle it up because it is always me. I am always
the one with the issues and the problems and the worries. I am always the one
to overreact and cry. I HATE being
that person. I wish so badly that I could grow a thick skin and that things
would not affect me so deeply. I wish that I could take a backseat and be ok. I
wish that I could take advantage of time alone instead of finding it time
wasted or lonely. I wish I could stop feeling so much. I HATE IT. I hate it
with every ounce of my being. I don’t think I can cry any more tears and then
they continue to come. I need my
bucket filled.
And this is the influence of the enemy…
1 comment:
A full bucket is nice. And there are days when the rains fall and our buckets overflow. But then there are other times when the sun scorches and the sky is cloudless. In those times, our bucket runs low, and maybe even a bit muddy, or maybe the only water comes from squeezing the cactus that surrounds us in the desert. We feel the dryness and seem almost overcome by the thirst. And we become tired and weary, and each footfall is heavy and hard. But then we notice that, while the bucket may be scant, it is never empty. There is always just enough to make it one more day. And while we are tired, we have enough strength to make it to the next step, the next task. And in that moment, we realize that someone is taking care of us. We have not been left to our own devices, out own resources. "Whoever drinks some of the water that I will give him will never be thirsty again, but the water that I give him will become in him a fountain of water springing up to eternal life."(Jn4:14)"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke and learn from me, because I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest in your souls." (Mat11:28-29)
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